My activity on deviantart has been sporadic for a while, and this is due in large part to problems with my mind and an attention span that seems to shorten at anytime, at will, and without sufficient notice (i.e. "To whom it may concern, we are now in control and there's nothing you can do about it... and so on etc"). So here I am after an intense and frightening head trip, and hopefully there will be more art to come. Maybe music too. Everything seems up in the air these days...

I quite like the idea of living through my art and music while also reflecting various times in which I've been a party to. Lots of I's in this entry, might as well admit my own self-interest and move along with this. Anyway, I've realized some things recently which unfortunately i cannot articulate any further than talking myself into a circle continually to no avail. So instead I will simply say that I am attempting to forge a connection to that thing always eludes me, which I think is my spirit if such a thing even exists at this point...

Or how I know I am alone but it has to be OK

Are you ever tired of being defined by what you do?
How about those things you do every once in a while, on the weekends, or just whenever you feel like it? You have a cigarette for any reason at all and now you're a smoker. You have a drink or several and now you're helpless in the evil grip of the bottle. You smoke a joint and you're a pothead, have sex with someone on a whim and now you're a player, whore, a slut, promiscuous. If you're a girl they call you easy. It is insane to me how at odds we really are--those of us who lust for something truly earth-shaking and vital--with the society in which we are all formed. And it doesn't even matter where you come from anymore because it's crowded now. Every location was scouted years ago. It was manifest destiny, right? And for what? And why??? Yes, can anyone honestly tell me why these structures (mom, dad, god, school, job, wife, kids, house, bills, work, eat, sleep, shit, piss, cum and death) are so important? And how can any of these things take priority over really finding YOU? Fuck everyone else! It's something I can't understand anymore, not that I ever could. It's just that, to me, from my perspective, all I need is music, food, water and hoepfully that one person who gets it. Right? But who does, anyway? You get a clue into these kinds of things but just then something comes up, you have some big event or maybe it gets too fucking hard and so you give up. You just lay on the ground for these ancient forces of nothing at all and let them just have at you. Well, that's what I did anyway. And now I'm pushing back because I see my future self if I don't leave here and it's the same as today. Just going to work, walking the dog and driving a car that I could do without. REALLY. And having these manias and depressions and sizable delusions of grandeur and doing everything the same as the day before. Mark my words, for even dreams will offer no more relief. And everytime I get some perspective or meet a kindred soul (what I discern to be at the time) it never lasts. That person leaves, or I've got some bullshit "place" to go. There are no places anymore, now all we have are holding stations. They're fucking graves! You show me a big house and I'll show your death bed. Nothing wrong with that, though. As long as you're honest about it. And... GOODNIGHT!

Though I don't at all hold any delusions of a messiahnic or mansonite following, I do apologize for my absence and, therefore, what must only be perceived as any or all sort of artistic complacency or laziness on my part. Well, it's true then isn't it?!? It seems that I have over the past several years either invented for myself or have been afflicted at various times of the curious inability to follow through on certain creative thoughts and impulses, while at the same time indulge and almost completely lose myself in an alternate reality, some kind of fourth dimension type deal that John Frusciante so often speaks of, maybe. Or maybe I'm just entirely fucked up, but then again who isn't past any reasonable age anyway?!? The point of all of this is that while I have been getting it all out in my songs (rough demos at myspace.com/ennaeor), there may finally be a crack in the wall between this new dimension (what's perhaps been there all this time and i am simply rediscovering it all over again maybe) and what was such a dull and frustratingly nowhere bound existence in which I couldn't finish what I'd started. Who knows though, really? I have been up all night thus far and I wanted to share this with someone, anyone who has the strength or just a little of that special fucked-up-ness that we will, not unlike Van Gogh and many other visionaries which we so absolutely-fucking-are (and this is essential knowledge to have on your person in these dire and serious times!), be rewarded so nicely for upon our death. Maybe it's collective, no? I'm not expert only perhaps bipolar and on the cusp of losing it all and why not, good people I can only hope to know?!? After all, what use is life if we are only to fulfill the wishes of someone else? Where is the fun in that? Can you tell me?!? Well, can you?!? Didn't think so. And shame on our elders for living vicariously through our own hopes and dreams. We should follow our desires until death, no? The night or middle thereof is young, however and I must be going for a wine glass in my tomb. I'll sleep good tomorrow, and you?

...I love art (including photography too) because no matter what it is--and there are seemingly infinite mediums to choose from--and whatever the reception with which it is met, the most discerning and artistically astute critic in the world cannot take away from the simple fact that it is art. I believe that art is relative, with the exception that certainly it can't hurt to have some kind of understanding of what you're doing to begin. But once you've got that down, what is the meaning of it? To me, the meaning is not what the artist is trying to say with the piece so much as what is it that you get from it. A few examples of this would be the way you feel everytime you hear your favorite song, or whenever you look a picture of someone you love, or maybe just when you happen to look at the sky when it's doing something you couldn't even recreate in a painting yourself. I have so many favorites now on deviantart.com and they are the result of me simply going "OK wow I like that a lot" and adding it. That's it, no more and no less. I don't always leave comments because I can't think of anything to say besides the obvious, but I have really found I think the best pieces of art on this website. Hats off to everyone I've added and everyone else plugging away at your art wherever you are. I don't always "get it" but I really get a kick in the pants to do something half as good!